Not So Silent Night
by HeinzDoofenshmirtz
Summary: Perry is on a mission to stop Doof from ruining Christmas with his Coal-Inator! Just a Christmas one-shot to keep the Christmas spirit up.


**A/N: Christmas is almost here, so I decided to do a Christmas one-shot.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phineas and Ferb.**

Twas the night before Christmas; and all through the Flynn-Fletcher house, not a creature was stirring…not even a platypus.

At least until his wrist watch vibrated.

Perry was trying (and failing) to avoid another sugar plum-related dream, when his wrist communicator vibrated. He woke up and slipped out from under the arm of the sleeping Phineas, quickly putting his decoy log in his place. He went out into the living room, put on his fedora, and tugged on one of the branches on the Christmas tree, which opened up a trapdoor beneath him. He traveled down a long chute before landing in a captain's chair in front of a giant TV screen. On the screen was the face of Perry's superior, Major Monogram…who was currently wearing pajamas with tiny versions of his face on them.

"Ah, Agent P." said Monogram. Then, he noticed that Perry was giving him a strange look.

"Oh, the Pajamas?" he said "They're custom-designed."

"Anyways," said Monogram, shaking off the fact that Perry was seeing him in his pajamas, "Sorry to disturb you this late at night…on Christmas Eve, but evil is at it again. Doofenshmirtz was recently seen buying tons of coal dust. Considering that coal is a big letdown on Christmas, we're suspecting that he plans to ruin Christmas again."

"Oh, darn you, cartoon clichés!" said an annoyed Carl from the background.

"Carl! What have I told you about breaking the fourth wall?" said Monogram. It was at this point that Perry took it upon himself to leave. He got into his platypus-shaped hovercraft and took off towards Doofenshmirtz's building.

*Doofenshmirtz in his pajamas!*

Inside Doof's apartment, there was a rustle inside the oddly-shaped chimney as Perry popped out, dressed in a Santa costume.

"Santa's here already?!" said Doofenshmirtz, rushing into his living room in his evil pajamas. "I knew staying up would help!" He pulled out a camera and took a few pictures before saying "Say, you look a lot different in person than what I thought you would." Then, Perry ripped off his costume, and Doof said "Santa's a Platypus?" Perry rolled his eyes and put on his fedora. "Perry the Platypus!" said Doof, dropping his camera and breaking it. "And to think I was about to let you have some of my Doonkleberry-flavored cookies and goat's milk." Then, Doof pressed a button on a remote; suddenly, a small wrapping gun popped out of the wall and started wrapping Perry in snowflake wrapping paper. Soon, Perry had been wrapped in a skin-tight coating of wrapping paper all over his body; except for his head, of course.

"Ooh, what is it?" said Doof, mockingly "I wonder what kind of present this is?" Perry gave an annoyed chatter as a bright red bow was placed on his head. "You kiss your mother with that bill?" asked Doof. "Anyway," he continued "you remember last Christmas? You destroyed my Naughty-Inator, gave me a taste of my own medicine, and gave me a real reason to hate Christmas. Well, I've decided to put it into action!" Doof started pacing the room as he said "Since you ruined my Christmas, I will ruin Christmas for the entire TRI-STATE AREA!" Then, Doof gestured to a large laser covered in coal stains and said "Behold! The Coal-Inator!" Then, he turned back to Perry and said "With this, I will turn everyone's gifts into large chunks of coal…except mine! Then, I'll be the only one in the Tri-State Area who actually got presents!" Then, Doof pressed a button on the side of the machine, and Perry could hear it warming up.

"Yeah, it's not ready yet; it's still gotta warm up, it's powered by burning coal…ironic, don't you think, Perry the Platypus?"

Perry saw the machine was almost done warming up, and struggled to get out of his trap. That's when he remembered that he was trapped in wrapping paper, so he started to rip off the wrapping with his teeth.

"It's almost ready!" said Doof, not noticing that Perry was freeing himself "All I can say is that this had better be worth it, 'cause I don't think these coal stains are ever gonna come off my hands. Do you know any tips for removing coal stains, Perry th-Oomph!" Doof was suddenly punched backwards and off his feet. He looked up and saw Perry standing in a fighting pose.

"Perry the Platypus!?" said Doof, highly surprised "How did you escape?" Then, Perry pointed to the pile of torn wrapping paper where he'd been standing. Doof sighed and said "I guess that's what happens when you choose a wrapping paper trap." Then, Perry punched him again, sending him flying backward into the Coal-Inator; which caused it spin until it was pointing back into the apartment. Suddenly, the Coal-Inator fired a black beam at Doof's reclining chair, turning it into chunks of coal.

"My chair!" shouted Doof "Ooh, you're gonna pay for that, Perry the Platypus!" He ran over to a bucket on his coffee table, pulled out a candy cane, and pointed the straight end at Perry and said "En garde!" Perry quickly pulled a candy cane out of his hat and held it up defensively. Then, using candy canes as swords, Perry and Doof dueled it out for a while, with Perry jabbing at Doof's weak spots and Doof countering with strokes of his own. Then, once Doof had Perry against a wall, Perry's candy cane decided to break, leaving Perry without a weapon.

"What's wrong, old man?" said Doof, tauntingly "Cane decided to break? Haha! See, see what I did there, Perry the Platypus? I compared you to an old man! Haha! I love making jokes at your expense!" Then Perry leapt out of the way of Doof's candy cane, snatched up the wrapping gun, and started firing at Doof. Doof dodged most of Perry's shots; but then, a long red ribbon fired out the window and caught on something. Perry's eyes widened as he saw the ribbon reeling itself in…with a giant telescope attached to it!

"Perry the Platypus, what are you doing?" said Doof, as Perry ran out of the way of the telescope "Why are you…there's something coming up behind me, isn't there?" Doof turned around just in time to see the giant telescope fly into the building and crash into him. After a few seconds Doof said "I'm okay! But I'm going to have a lot of cleaning up to do!" Then, Perry went over to the Coal-Inator and pressed the self-destruct button, making it explode into a cloud of coal dust.

"Aw great, now everything's black and stained!" whined Doof. Perry went over to his hovercraft and took off just as Doof shouted "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" As he was flying away, Perry heard Doof say "I have coal dust in places I really don't want there to be." Perry flew over the Googleplex Mall and an idea occurred to him. He thought about it for a while, then thought '_Ah, what the heck, it's Christmas._' and landed his hovercraft in the parking lot.

The next morning, Christmas morning, Doof woke up and said "I can't go at least _one year_ without getting that stupid sugar plum dream." He went out into the living room and said, in a depressed tone "Look what we have this Christmas; a blown up Inator, a broken telescope, coal dust everywhere, and probably nothing but more coal in the stocking." Doof went over to check his stocking, but instead of coal, there was an actual present in it!

"Huh?" said Doof, pulling the present out of his stocking. He looked at the tag on the gift and saw that it was from Perry. "Perry the Platypus sent me a gift?" said Doof, pleasantly confused. He unwrapped the small gift and gasped when he saw what was inside it. "Despicable Me 2! How did he know that I wanted this?" Doof said with a smile on his face. Then, Doof stuck his head inside the unlit fireplace and shouted "Thank you, Perry the Platypus!"

Perry was enjoying this Christmas. He'd washed all the coal stains off of him before he came into the house because he really didn't want another bath; then he walked into the living room just as the family had all gathered around the tree.

"Oh, there you are, Perry." Said Phineas "It's a shame you didn't get to see our Santa-scope." Perry smirked when he heard that. '_So that's what that was._' he thought.

"Where did that thing go, anyway?" Phineas asked Ferb.

"I don't know," said Ferb "but perhaps Santa is not meant to be seen."

"Yeah," said Phineas "the important thing is that he got his job done."

As everyone started opening up presents, Perry thought about last night and chuckled at the thought.

'_This has definitely been a December to remember._' Thought Perry as he started mooching from the pile of Christmas cookies on the counter '_And something tells me I won't ever forget it._'

**I'd like to wish all my readers a merry (and evil!) Christmas!**


End file.
